Angels and Devils

Depression and Anxiety are so much these days.. I mean we hear famous people lost battles in Depression...  and this takes me down memory lane when I battled with it myself. It was like almost  year long battle and some people without them knowing have helped pull me out from the dark.

If you know me, I'm super mababaw, cheesy, shy though madaldal and quite easy to get along with. Uh in short boring person, an average one and not the most exciting and adventurous person to be around with. I am just right I guess.

I was a fresh graduate when I came to Dubai to work. It was not at all part of the plan but opportunity knocked at the right time. I grabbed it instantly. I desperately needed to earn money because mom was currently going chemo therapy at the time. So when I got here I was so determined, so strong-willed and no one and nothing stopped me.

During the first 5years living overseas, I was totally fine and thought I was living the dream. I considered myself so blessed to be able to work overseas and earn good while others can only dream of. Life in the Phils was hard and almost everyone I know wants to work abroad. My job became the bread & butter for my family. During those years  I was able to settle financial obligations of my family and provided financial support for my mom's medication. Mom eventually won her battle and bounced back. Praise God for mom's 2nd life. Family debts were settled. Working and sending money home was a routine for years.

But one morning, I woke up feeling extremely heavy like I have a lump on my chest. Suddenly I find myself sobbing. I opened skype and called up my mom. The 1st thing that came out from my mouth was "mame gusto ko nang umuwi" and then I lost it. For the first time in my life I cried in front of her.

What I love about my mom is, she can be strong when she needed to be. In normal circumstances, she's the one who always cries. When I first had my heart broken, she cried for me. When I needed to work miles away from home she cried for me. Even when I simply tell her I love you and I miss you she cries and will always point to herself as the reason why I needed to be away. I don't recall myself crying in front of her ever. Not once. I was very careful with my emotions when in front of her. I was her only child and I'm the source of her strength and if I falter, she sure will. I cannot let my mother worry about me. She has so many things already in her mind. Therefore, I needed to be strong at least in front of her. Surprisingly that day. She didn't shed a tear. She listened to my sobs. She knows. She gets it. Straight-forwardly she told me, you feel this way because malayo kame sa iyo, at wala kang mapagbalingan ng attention like boyfriend or mga kaibigang babae na pwede mo makasamang lumabas. kahit kasama mo mga pinsan mo pero mag-asawa sila. nhohomesick ka anak. May mga pagkakataon talagang mararamdaman mo yan anak. Kapag di mo na kaya, Uwi ka na. Dito ka n lang sa atin. Mabubuhay naman tayo dito. 

But then, although we know whats causing me anxiety, I do not have guts to give up my work. It is my bread and butter and although mom still was teaching at the time, I'm still almost the breadwinner of the family. I'm lonely living overseas and I'm burnt-out from work but I cannot go home. Its just not an option.

I was dissecting what happened to me that very day. Then I realized maybe I was phasing the so called middle-life crisis? I was lonely. Everything in my life at that time was routinary with no goal left for me. I don't know where to head my life anymore. I felt like the precious age of 21-25 was robbed off of me where everyone my age are having fun, travelling, partying with friends or be in a relationship. I'm in a state of depression.

With all the arguments now-a-days, i really don't know what depression really means but what I can recall is that I was extremely sad in the inside. Loneliness, emptiness, self-pity, fatique, anxiety, insecurities all brought me down.

During these period, I was thankful to two people. It was my cousin and his wife, Kuya gerry and ate liway who helped me battle depression. We all live together in a flat and they knew about that morning when I suddenly burst into tears. We have a talk and man was it therapeutic. They make sure that I will be tagged along on almost all their dates. Even on Valentine's day they tagged me along. I was their 3rd wheel. Kuya encouraged me to look for a new work so I will have a fresh new work environment. He helped me edit my resume and I still can recall he sat with me on  the dining table and we practice Q&As for job interviews. I mean c'mon who would do that? Ate liway, on the other hand, was being her normal sweet, selfless human being self. These are the kind of people that held my hand when I was being eaten by the devils. They're are the people who I know will be there for me no matter what without any thing in return. How blessed I am for having them in my life. They are there for me and I'm so fortunate, blessed rather, to call them family.

Ofcourse that phase in my life is now a history. Life could be trying some times if not most times. Let it but then don't be lost. don't be eaten by the devils because there is always way out.